Title: Hara or Watte hanasu
Banda : MUCC
Author:
![[info]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_srIDE-pWliKm5l6NrDxi65HXcKxcm-YCAgcGyZltIYUTPOR6UcZ_oVqaSxVCemWFMCyLJMRMTLEqAd2ACA7ED6rzwX2HNyaa98HHdQyKx3JCWzLw=s0-d){kind=small}
ljmoony Rating: M
couple : TatsurouxMiya
Chapters : September 9 - last chapter
Characters: Miya, Tatsurou, Yukke, SATOchi
Warnings: shounen ai, yaoi
Summary: Miya's stomach does not feel butterflies, or anything like it, every time Tatsurou that is near you. Or his own portrait, hidden in various objects belonging to the guitarist. How to hide that pain, if the feeling it causes, is more alive than ever in an episode of high fever? How to revive an adult, if the same decides to disappear, just as the world tour is about to begin?
Note: Literally "Watte hanasu Hara or" means "talk about something with your stomach open." As for the Japanese, the significance maso stomach is roughly equivalent to our heart (emotionally speaking), I decided that was the most appropriate sentence to encompass the whole story. As say always never use titles another language than English but as MUCC characterized by exclusive use their language for their letters, also thought choose Japanese was appropriate in this case.
Chapter I Chapter II
Chapter
III
Chapter IV Chapter V
Chapter VI Chapter VII
Chapter VIII
Indestructible as barrier between the remaining dough and I did not want to touch memories leave me. It was torture to remember, face down, flat on the mattress wet, that pair of hands, smooth texture and very large, walking around my shoulders, my cheeks, and hair. It was torture knowing that once had been, and that no longer would be more. Because it was a mistake. Because my weakness, my lack of responsibility had killed the thing was too good to be true.
smiled bitterly, laughing at myself. I bit my lips and let out a single laugh. Agria. What made you think, at some point, you idiot, you could ignore the world and do only what you do you sing? What made you think you could look away and go invisible to all eyes, dreaming in the lap of Tatsurou as if it were truly possible? Now that's kept faith, Masaaki . I shook, his eyes moist, still smiling. Ah, the irony .
had ruined the only thing that really belonged to them, all I had managed to make from scratch, gathering the dirt that I could never get rid of them. And they do not. Horrible, horrible, and dirty. MUCC is. The mirror of the four, and the most raw and honest of all. MUCC is the only way I found as a solution for storms that never cease to disappear, all the first weeks of September, every night sleep is so hard. What had been so selfish to ruin what for them was equally significant for me, just because I could not resist a night as it could have been any other? How could I ignore completely the dream that haunts us for years, touring the map? completely lost his head. Completely. How the look in your eyes now. How I talk, how I apologize, if you will never be enough. How do I tell Yukke. A SATOchi. A ...
strong Pulled my fist in the sheets and pulled them a stifled cry already pushing the limits, and they were just screaming that I did not dare to unleash. Shouted my chest, screaming my head, my skin, and above all things, my stomach.
How painful is to love, Tatsurou. How it hurts me to prefer the past. Where there was no risk to remove the tie that binds us to the four so strongly. Where there was no risk of making you suffer. Where Yukke not feared the worst. SATOchi which had nothing to invent an excuse to save what little we have left. Where there was no risk.
I shook my head repeatedly curved, more pressing even harder my teeth on the lower lip, numbness and pain. I hugged my shoulders as I could, and threw the glasses to go to know which corner of a room. Now with less clothing that could cushion his fall, he had two fewer people in it. Two people who did not know what to answer, they would probably also had the brain burning questions, one after another. One after the other.
And Tatsurou.
I returned to drop a sob, sinking my nails into the skin of my shoulders. Anger was withheld, and it was love. Because I prefer the past. For I repent. Because I did not make me responsible for what he had done during and, now, too, after being kissed. The responsibility that characterizes me almost sick, we all so admire Miya adult who grew up kicking, had gone to the very shit. And I had no consolation to offer, if you really wanted to be honest with him. I was terrified. I was desperate. And abandoned. And it was all my fault. That's what disappointed me most, what angered me most, and what I twisted guts. Have been so reckless, so sentimental, so emotional. I closed my eyes
strong, holding my stomach area, with a tight fist wrinkled only wore the shirt. I hit him repeatedly, but only caused more pain and more desperation. I wanted to tear it, and not see, nor feel, nor to have more in me. It was the button on my nervous system, and I just wanted off. Nausea after I opened my eyes strong. But I had absolutely nothing in the stomach. There was nothing to spit. If I had to take the root problem, had to go back years ago, and forbid, and refuse from every point of view, to observe Tatsurou eyes. Burn your photos, and treated like anyone else. Neither more nor less rough, which allowed me to maintain a considerable distance with him. Beyond that our friendship was always very respectful, because all the torments of dawn, were on his pillow, on my shoulder. Because I was the most adult of all. And hoped that I had something to say. Beyond that he was the voice of my heart, MUCC. Beyond all that.
And when he wanted to realize, was to take my whole life, and throw out the window. That were brought by the wind. But he would not start back either. I could not really. Because innocence is needed to start something from scratch, I had already lost shortly after my eight years of age.
What do I do?
tried to look at my palms, but take off my fist was like trying to open a nut with your hands. I wanted to observe a mediocre way of wanting to find an answer, and at the same time, some calm. I was absolutely locked. My stomach was tight, eyes, wrists, chest, and my poor lungs, which did wonders for maintaining a normal breathing rate, which worked only haltingly. Then I wanted to get my pills, but my muscles did not respond at all.
was paralyzed.
- Oh, come on, Miya ~ always support my foot on the table, why not leave me now? Is it because you have a stomachache?
- BELLY?
- I love that belly.
smiled, turning to sink my face in the pillow wet. The bangs, stuck on my forehead, I hid what little they could do with the left eye. In the distance, a sort of bright spot pretended to be the bedroom window, overlooking the famed and feared balcony. Penance for all, but basically created just for Tatsurou. Or rather, to the days when I was Tatsurou impossible to dodge. I can not believe I've reached the limit being placed in a balcony to avoid cruzármelo, with excuses as stupid as angry because "I disrespected. " And I can not believe I've obeyed all the times I asked him not to go there.
kept smiling, reliving his touch on my abdomen. Where his hand was warm, and cool in its outline. The perfect blend to accompany kisses, fluffy on my lips, forehead and mouth again. The perfect blend to make me lose time. And in space. Is that what I need. But it is too be with you. Too good to belong to the history of my time.
was returning, along with the breeze coming through the window, the memory of her soft lap. The perfume on her neck, and hair on my shoulders. The shadow of his body, cast on my skin. And my shivering, and the thrill of believing. I love you, Miya. Why does it always have to be? Why could not I be someone else, another being, another thing, and rest at least once in my life? For Ever notice that you were going to shit on everything from one day to another, Masaaki , I replied. But ... And the worst part is that he wanted there. I wanted there. Next to me. Singing Link , Yuubeni , or whatever. I wanted it right there, with one leg on my abdomen, preventing him from escaping me. I wanted it, unfortunately, a lot.
A dark spot appeared on the kind of window light. And as he approached, it was more, and bigger. I did not realize that the shadow was a reckless Yukke until, very quietly, is close enough to whisper and simply ask: "How are you, Miya?". I closed my eyes
strong again. The sweetness of the smallest of us, if there is still a 'we' , multiplying my culpability. Could it be that he was not angry with me? Fujita-san was very angry with us, we had not organized anything for the first time in Russia, we had not rehearsed even once a week and a half, MUCC was going to the devil himself, " and still cared about how I was?
- Tatsu was a while ago, "he murmured.
SATOchi The unmistakable step behind my back told me I was there, but had entered the room through the door, which until then had been ajar. He sat behind me, kneeling. In his hands he carried a glass of water, and the cell, which was soon to vibrate.
- Miya ... do not cry Yukke whispered, running his fringe of hair. Incredibly, he was breathing better, "You're going to do wrong ... we, here, embraces Roberto.
extended his puppet to my chest and my arms folded like a hug.
- No, Miya! Not to cry louder, "he said, without losing the soft tone of her voice Oh, Robert, no! You did indeed mourn, and changing the tone of his voice, pretending to be a frog, she answered "Oh, sorry, it was not my intention, Miya-san.
SATOchi laughed bitterly and reaching the vessel was finally able to see in detail, he spoke at last.
- I brought one of your pills, "said Miya" But I left them out of the bag, eh? You had them on the table in the living room.
- What's much respect? God.
- Tatsu said he is returning, "he murmured, stroking her back.
The mere mention of his name gave me back the despair that had stilled the voice of Yukke humbly asking for me. Forgot to take the cup, and the pellet was next to the mat. I do not remember exactly what was what followed, or how much time passed. It was noted that the disorder, head explode, atornillándomela constantly, I do not remember with complete accuracy what had happened. I only remember the passages of my mind. Just remember that I kept asking why. And Tatsurou, SATOchi, Yukke, MUCC, Fujita, tour, mom, my sister, tests, dates. And again Tatsurou.
My desire to return to long ago was so strong that I had the faint hope that everything were a mirage. A dream. A coma. Because I could not conceive the idea of letting me be that way, much less compared to boys. More than a little concerned, surely they were scared. Because only once a year I let sink in that way.
And pain was so great to prefer such a state of fictional reality, to remind Tatsurou smiling on lips reminded me that I had and did not know what to do with it. It was a vicious circle that could not get even running away from my body. I closed
my eyes, as if it had been the instant following the eclipse, Tatsurou's voice rang out, and not quietly, behind my back.
- Leave us alone, guys?
Believing again that stupid theory of a fictional reality, I was surprised when Yukke got up, took Robert in his hands. When I felt SATOchi off one of his big hands, standing up. They left the room, and Tatsurou, so far for me was just a figment of my imagination My real desire, sat where he had been the drummer.
suddenly felt much shame.
His breathing sounded a bit agitated. as if whole blocks had run, and only now caught his breath ... , I thought. I wanted to turn around, I wanted to stamp on their chest, hands and wanted to take that fall I kiss the lips of both. But just held my breath, when very gently took my face in his hands slightly trembling. His right thumb gently slid across my eyes, wiping tears do not remember if they ever had stopped flowing. Approached with the same delicacy, to my face. The closer it had, the more was my desire to finally close my eyes. But it was blank as a sheet. Rigid, no movement or any grace. Tatsurou touched his lips to one of my cheeks, stroking his forehead. Widening the abdomen, almost producing a pit. Kiss my other cheek, and saw him close his eyelids, growing inside me vertigo. It was his left hand that held my shoulder, and danced on my arm to take one of my hands, which was soon shaking in his chest. Hard. And taking off the wet mattress, away from the pillow soaked, I got up. How strong he looked. How great. What invincible.
And yet, his voice totally broken, finished squeezing my stomach, crying while contradictorily called me, fraught, "Weep no more." I opened my mouth only to release a sob that was locked up, because my voice was not strong enough to answer. I had no strength, no sound, no shit. The contrast was so great that a storm like the sweetness that gave me trouble clashed with the price of having it. Smooth, and slowly, kissing my temple again and again, soothing a headache mimicking a million needles pricking consistently. Loosened, slowly, the muscles tense, causing much pain in my abdomen, my chest, my throat and wrists.
The first movement could be motorized, was limp and stupidly support recently deployed my palms on his chest. Tatsurou stroking his lips to mine, and gently kissed the ends to return to the heart of my mouth, almost imperceptibly. I closed my eyes, and again, the vicious circle let me kiss me. Then I walked my palms to his shoulders. I wanted to push you, as a mirror to the intensity of their reunion on my skin, but not yet found a connection between my mind and my body. He did not respond at all. Before I could try again, Tatsurou took my hands in hers, it started shaking again. A sob escaped from that gigantic mouth, and I felt the tide was turning the entire room. Waking up, I took her cheeks almost desperately, and he did it, but my waist. Great
as raindrops fall on the summer floods, two tears Tatsurou crossed the face, hitting my thumbs.
- What, love? - My voice was foreign.
I felt his fingers sink into my back, pinning him. Similar to the pincers of a crab, his hands seemed to fear I leave at any time. The irony came to mock me, because I was afraid that, at the same time, the game worldwide.
- Why do not want to be with me anymore?
Unanswered anesthesia, without pause, and without suspense, Tatsurou eyes watching me stranded in a sadness similar to that experienced by those who always want to justify the death of my father. It is this anguish in the eyes of others, no response. Is that worth it because you have to spit poison mouth the lungs and entire body.
immediately embraced, immediately followed that "me" came to my ears, refused without pausing to hear what he had, stroking his head fervently. I could not believe what had just heard.
- Where'd you get that?
was such despair in his voice, which made trying to express, with great difficulty that I could interpret what Tatsurou not shut up even for a second.
- You ... you told me, you told everyone it was a mistake, taking a deep breath, and licking his lips drenched in salty tears, he continued: - having said what I felt . And it is not.
was a mistake, you know? I should not have told you anything.
That was, literally, what he had said. Regardless of a second weight of each of the words he had uttered in the face. In front of everyone. And with all that meant for him to call what we had been sharing with so contemptuous adjective such as "mistake." The wet slaps hit my face reminding me, reliving those endless kisses always said very soft and deep tone, "I love you, Miya." How
had been able to judge their love, and break it down to a mistake? I kissed both temples, trying to calm him as he had done was a few minutes ago. And I could not stop mourn. Although much more smoothly if I compared my sobs with those of Tatsurou, drowned, and raspy.
- Do not be so cruel, Miya, "he asked. So I asked "Do not tell me you regret being with me, Miya. Do not be so cruel with me, ask me again.
I asked not to be cruel.
Do bastard so I can be, I leave my boyfriend crying bitterly, after telling that the only thing I always dreamed of at your side, they were just a mistake that would never ; to have happened, and preferred the past, without him, without his company, no kisses, no caresses, without all the unconditional love he gave me time followed that first embraced me after learning what was wrong with him? ... Could I be so cruel?
tried to stop her crying, but could not even mine. And Tatsurou wept uncontrollably. And still had the simplicity, humility, and sweetness to take my cheeks. I held her wrists, and did the only thing that occurred to me, meanwhile pile of words I could not say, but rebounded in my forehead, I apologized, making just babbling. But that was not enough. Nothing was enough. Because those are the things that you never, ever read. Because no turning back. Because veins are embedded in the memory, and do not heal. And if not heal, it takes years of experience to deny what I had called, relentlessly, a "mistake."
- I do not ... I did not want to be with you anymore "I whispered, a little inches from his mouth.
- But I regret-rejected-is for the tour that do not want to be with me anymore? - Even spoke with a strong effort, because if so, I do not care. Do you want to be with me, yet?
I opened my eyes. How? Yes had to bring words and saying yes, then had to leave half deaf to the building and yelling. preguntándomelo Are you serious?
hugged tightly, and everything reached my short arms, his chest, collapsing my lips on his superior, who made me so sleepy. I stroked her wrists, then his forearms, and walked my palms back over his shoulders, to take that precious little face saddened, but merrily round and inflated cheeks.
- Miya, I'm not going to stop being with you because the manager does not like or do not have much time to be alone. I'm not going to stop be with you for nothing we have not decided the two, you know? - Stroked my face with both despair and strength, I found doing the opposite to appease what they would not let him alone, "Do not regret, please, fragmented again, his voice asking me something I twisted my breast with guilt-please-
And no could bear to even ask me again, and re-occupy your mouth, Tatsurou street with all the affection he owed. And I was going to duty in a while, until you can heal that damage that had caused him so mercilessly. Without even realizing it, resulting to be the worst of it.
returned to wet her lips and drink air, looked at me without blinking even once.
- I ... - he said. Wanted me to eat with new kisses. It was so outrageously soft to my eyes, I was thinking about how to make you want to be me again.
My hands are too small for her face, and yet I took it as, between them. I kissed her forehead, her eyes were closed making the tears they escaped, her nose, her cheeks, the corners of his lips, each of them, and both together. "My love," I whispered, without realizing it. In another circumstances, I would have flushed more than embarrassed. But it was my heart that spoke for me. I queríaa Tatsurou back. Masaaki could not trust, but in my heart. Which never listened. Which provided a reasonable adult to shut up all he had gotten out of hand. I will not let you go, not now. And much less if that was never your intention. Even once you find out how much ... I love you.
As I called "my love", I felt Tatsurou smile. He replied kissing with lips stretched corner to corner, and slightly narrowed eyes, owners of instant happiness. Embracing best, grabbed my neck and back, repeating that he should not worry about the tour. We could take it as a game.
- And how to play this game? - Contagious, I smiled, for fear of the sun, flowers, and all happy in this world symbolically.
- is to see who holds more without kissing the other. Middle-master difficult as speech, and even play to lose, I promise that I will wear well, I laughed sheepishly I can carry it.
- Tatsu ... please, my laughter was a horror movie that could scare the Edgar Allan Poe himself ever want to kiss me at the supermarket.
- But there do I care! Besides, I want to behave well at the supermarket, "he admitted, turning to me laughing.
- Tatsu!
- I like a lot, Miya. I do not like putting up with what I have for you, "and pressed her to his chest, stroked my hair getting in my entire body, the hair stood on end" But if it is to be with you, I stand. I promise.
equally stroked her long hair. I played with his locks as he played with my skin (especially thighs), I kissed her neck as he kissed my lips, I confessed in a low voice that he kept repeating, shamelessly whenever would end up soaked, one over the other, between the two beds disarmed, and a pile of clothes.
And while that night I promised the same thing, going to be my heart that occupied my lips, partly in vain. Because the tour started a month and a half later turned out to be a trap by my esteemed Fujita-san, who was laughing seeing transpire hours of despair. He took weeks to get used to seeing us by the hand, from time to time. Or eating on top of each other when we finished rehearsing. But I never saw to hear him complain. By contrast, Yukke always told me nervous and asked softly, how we got along. If you were running. If things went well. If we discussed a lot. And if Tatsurou behaved when we were in public.
While we've never felt the famous butterflies in my stomach, because now and then I twist the guts, I discovered that whenever my mind turned their nicknames, their kisses, what gives me shameless some, my chest contracts. And as a caress, my heart tells you to rest. That was not a mistake.
